It will get easier

The first night you come home from the hospital with your baby will be the toughest night, the first 6-8 weeks the hardest weeks, and the first 3 months the most challenging months. Then, you’ll gradually adapt to each situation at your own pace. You’ll even surprise yourself with what you can handle. Don’t believe those who say, ‘Just wait until you have…’; motherhood is a gradually diminishing role. The baby who clings to your arms in the early months will eventually not want to be there anymore. As you witness these separations, tears will well up in your eyes, but things will keep getting easier.

A mother’s heart always knows best

If you sense a problem related to your child’s health, follow your instincts. If you have to make a decision, always, and I mean always, consult your inner self first. Keep seeking answers until you feel at peace with your decisions. You’re not exaggerating, not being overly worried, and not making things up.

You’re not as alone as you think

I know you feel a deep sense of loneliness, especially at night. But that feeling of loneliness inside you is temporary, especially if you find a tribe that understands you. Surround yourself with friends who became mothers around the same time as you; going through similar processes at similar times will help you get through it. Sometimes, seek advice from women you respect who have been mothers before you; their experiences will guide you.

The hardest part is sleep deprivation, I know

During the day, make sure you get at least one nap with your baby. If you have to choose between getting things done and getting some sleep, always choose sleep. Sleep deprivation will be the most challenging aspect, and even though you’ll learn to function like this after a while, it’s not the norm. Learn what normal baby sleep patterns are, and involve the father from the beginning. I know that if your baby sleeps, you’ll feel like you can move mountains, but the saying “sleep like a baby” was definitely coined by someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Probably a dad 😛

Sometimes, being angry is part of this love

I read a sentence recently that said, “A child grows at full speed and consumes his mother and father.” It’s not entirely wrong. Providing uninterrupted care, being in constant contact will deplete your resources. Combined with sleep deprivation, it’s natural to feel angry at times. Use this anger as a reminder to take time for yourself without waiting for anger to build up. Even if doing something different during your alone time feels difficult at first, push yourself to do something you love. Like writing 🙂

Be clear about your needs

Nobody will say, “Oh, you look so tired,” instead, they’ll say, “Well, motherhood isn’t easy.” Motherhood doesn’t have to be this difficult. Make sure your partner takes on the responsibility he needs to, and talk or even argue if necessary. Learn to express your needs early on. Speak up about your need for a warm shower, an extra hour of sleep, drinking your coffee while it’s still hot, simply doing nothing, and taking time for yourself. When you start fulfilling your needs, it might feel strange at first, but keep going, it will pass.

You don’t have to be a superwoman

Managing both work, your baby, the house, and everything else… Let the house get messy, let the table stay cluttered, let guests entertain themselves. You have countless burdens imposed on you by society, but they are not yours to bear.

It’s time to establish boundaries

When a baby joins the family, all balances change, of course. The best part is that now you have a nuclear family. Shaping your own little family, separate from the extended family, is enjoyable but also a bit challenging. If possible, learn your boundaries before the baby arrives and don’t feel guilty when setting them. In fact, if you feel guilty, know that you’re on the right path.

It might take time for the father to embrace fatherhood

Your partner may be experiencing struggles on his side that are similar to what you’re going through. He might take longer to adapt to fatherhood compared to you, and both of you may miss your old life separately and together. Is there any parent who doesn’t miss their old life? I don’t think so if everyone is honest enough. But these feelings are not bad; after all, they are emotions. Don’t neglect sharing with each other, I know sometimes even talking might feel like a drain of energy, but talk.

Go back to work if and when you feel ready

I know you might sometimes wonder if going back to work is the right decision and if you’re ready for it. Remember, it’s entirely up to you and your feelings matter the most. If you genuinely feel ready to return to work, do so with confidence. Embrace the opportunity to engage in something you love while being a loving mother to your baby and a pillar of support for your family. Don’t worry about what others say, like, “Who’s taking care of your baby? Isn’t he too young?” Trust your instincts and make the decision that feels right for you and your family. You have the strength to balance both worlds, and it’s essential to prioritize your well-being along the way.

This is not a competition

You are the best mother your baby needs. Never forget that. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Getting to know yourself again

I know you no longer enjoy some of the things you used to, and you sometimes find yourself upset or surprised by the changes. On the other hand, your heart is filled with gratitude. To get to know this new woman, spend time alone with her, and discover the things you now love. Change is one of life’s fundamental characteristics, and as much as it scares you, every change has brought beautiful things, remember that a lot.

Most importantly, for the extraordinary effort you’re putting in, stroke your own hair, pat your own back, and whisper to yourself: “You’re doing an amazing job, dear mother!”

With love,

Rose

Before we dive in, let me clarify that every pregnancy journey, birth, baby, and parenthood is unique and personal. So, what I’m about to share are my own experiences. But hey, if you find something useful for yourself in all this, I’ll be thrilled! 🙂

About a year ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I admit I was mostly focused on the medical aspect of it all. But now, with my newfound wisdom, I can tell you that the whole pregnancy and birth preparation can be broken down into four significant stages. And in order of importance, here they are:

1. Mental preparation
2. Choosing the right birth supporters
3. Getting ready for postpartum
4. Physical preparation

Let’s talk about these in a more chill way, from least to most important.

Physical preparation:

Birth is a marathon, my friend! It’s a pretty long and tiring process. For me, from the time my contractions started until my baby finally arrived, a whopping 20 hours passed! And guess what? That’s totally normal, especially for first-time moms. So, it’s essential to get yourself ready for this exciting adventure. During my pregnancy, I stayed active by doing pilates and prenatal yoga, thanks to my amazing doula, Nilüfer. I can proudly say I hardly suffered from back pain! And as time went on, I upped my walking game and, towards the end, the pilates ball became my BFF. I was all about trying out the recommended movements to make birth easier and increase my hip mobility 😄

Of course, I also tried to watch what I ate and focused on clean eating as much as possible. Okay, okay, I admit I couldn’t resist the occasional cravings for pastries and sweets 😛 But hey, good nutrition is essential for preventing stretch marks.

The last bit of physical preparation was creating a birth plan and sharing it with my doctor, midwife, and birth supporters. Planning for the big day was part of the whole process, so I had a good chat with my midwife to get my plan in place.

Preparation for postpartum:

You might wonder, what does postpartum have to do with birth prep, right? I had my doubts too! At first, I thought we women might be making a big fuss about it, and it can’t be that tough. I even joked that my doula would probably skip this part during her training. But guess what? I had a tougher six weeks than I expected.

By the way, let me tell you, postpartum is not a quick 40-day thing. Yes, after six weeks, you do start to feel a bit better and get the hang of it. But trust me, postpartum is as unique as you are!

The most significant preparation here is having the right support system. I mean, someone who understands you, supports you, and treats you like a princess for a while! Of course, the baby might seem like the star of the show, but let’s not forget that mama needs some serious TLC too. When you take good care of the mama, she’s all set to take care of the baby and form that beautiful bond. You need friends, other moms, and a doula who’ll encourage you, answer your questions, and sometimes just be there to listen when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Oh, by the way, I mentioned “doula” a few times earlier, and if you’re wondering what that is, I’ll explain it in the next section.

Unfortunately, due to the increase in COVID-19 cases and new variants, we couldn’t have our families with us, and my hubby was my only physical support. He took an extended leave for the first six weeks, and let me tell you, I’ll never forget how he cared for me like a prince! Now and then, I wished my mom could be there to comfort me, and my hubby filled that role when I shed a few tears. My doula was my rock, encouraging me through the ups and downs of breastfeeding. Sometimes, she talked sense into me when I felt overwhelmed, and other times, she simply listened when I needed to vent. My mom couldn’t be there in person, but she was just a phone call away, calming me down whenever I needed it. And my dear cousin, who went through similar experiences, became one of my biggest supporters.

Oh, and guess what? I found myself a whole tribe! A group of women who’ve been through it all, praying for each other’s births, celebrating the transition to motherhood, and sharing everything without fear of judgment while mourning the old life… Most of us had given birth recently, and one of my university friends became my postpartum sister, someone I talked to almost every day. It was so great to start getting back to normal life with her by my side!

Choosing the right birth supporters:

I used to think that it’s the doctors and nurses who deliver babies, and I’m just there to assist. But boy, was I wrong! Let me tell you something: Birth is a woman’s job!

In my eyes, everyone present in the room during childbirth, except the woman giving birth, becomes a birth supporter. And as an expectant mom, I believe it’s essential to take on this responsibility and actively play a part.

Choosing the right birth supporters makes a huge difference. I was lucky to have my dear friend’s advice, which led me to decide to work with a doula, even before I got pregnant. By the way, “doula” is pronounced “dula,” and it means a woman who supports you during birth. They’re like superheroes providing physical, emotional, and informational support. But for real, they become your closest friend, confidant, and eventually, family. Due to the COVID-19 restrictions, we worked with Nilüfer online, and let me tell you, it felt like we had known each other forever! We were a dream team, and she supported both me and my husband, making our journey to birth and parenthood smoother than ever.

Oh, and you gotta be smart about choosing your hospital and healthcare team for the big day. In England, midwives take care of the pregnancy and birth process unless there’s a significant issue. Just like during pregnancy, I hardly saw the doctor during birth—like a short and sweet visit, you know? Now, from what I’ve heard from my friends in Turkey, choosing the right doctor is crucial. Fortunately, I was surrounded by women who were all about natural births, and that was so empowering and supportive! If I had to choose a doctor, I’d definitely go for one who supports natural birth and do my research to take control of my own birthing journey. Hey, if needed, I wouldn’t hesitate to switch hospitals or doctors. The most important thing to remember as an expect

ant mom is that we have the right to question, ask, speak up if we don’t want something, and never do anything that doesn’t feel right.

Mental preparation:

Alright, folks, this is the most crucial part (Drum roll, please! 🥁). When I found out I was pregnant and finally got rid of the nausea, my first thought was, ‘How much is it going to hurt?’ It was also around that time that I attended Nilüfer’s workshop on birth pain. And you know what? That workshop changed my perspective completely, and it allowed me to handle labor without any pain medication, just as my heart desired. Of course, I might have needed or wanted pain relief, but what I’m trying to say is how crucial mental preparation is. My mind was prepared for whatever came my way, whether it was waves, contractions, or whatever you call them.

As the due date approached, I increased my breathing exercises, and it really helped me stay focused. It was especially helpful during the parts of labor when I turned inward. I was in the zone, completely forgetting everyone in the room, including my hubby, and solely focusing on my breath, myself, and my baby. Besides, those positive birth affirmations that I listened to during my walks were like magic! They made me feel so good, and during labor, the same sounds echoed in my mind.

You know what else? I surrounded myself with positive birth stories and tried to avoid the negative ones. I talked to people who uplifted me when I needed it.

And let me tell you a secret: We women have been giving birth for centuries, keeping the human race going! I have the strength and capability to do it just like all the women before me. You know what makes birth complicated? It’s us, because we like to make everything complicated. The key to a positive mental attitude during birth is this realization. And you know what? I had to experience all the preparation steps I mentioned earlier to get to this point. By the way, after all these preparations, my birth didn’t go exactly as planned. It was supposed to be a water birth at the birth center, but we ended up in the hospital under supervision. But you know what? That’s how it was meant to be. Being prepared for chaos, embracing it, questioning, and not doing anything that didn’t feel right is what it’s all about.

Bonus: As I’m wrapping up the article, I remembered one thing I wish I had done better: preparing for breastfeeding. Even though I looked into it, the first week of breastfeeding is challenging, and I wish I had been more prepared.

And finally, to all you expecting moms reading this, I wish you a birth as smooth as water, no matter how it happens (vaginal or cesarean), and welcome you to the tribe! 😊

Sending lots of love,

Rose

Photo by Rebekah Vos on Unsplash

You’ve taken the pregnancy test and it’s positive! Congratulations! The first thing you need to do is write to your GP (General Practitioner). They will refer you to the nearest hospital, where you’ll fill out a relatively straightforward form and start waiting for the hospital to get in touch. Like many things, this communication happens via mail 🙂 About a week after I filled out the form, I received a letter of a few pages, congratulating me and providing information about the process, including the dates of my first appointments. Instead of immediately expecting a confirmation through a blood test, I realized that the first appointment, at around 8 weeks, would be with a midwife, and that the system was quite different from what I had expected.

First Appointment: 8-Week Midwife Consultation

This appointment lasts about 1 to 1.5 hours and is a one-on-one session with a midwife. They gather general information, including your medical history and your family’s health history, and inform you about the process. You can also ask any questions you have. In the same appointment, you receive information about the midwife team who will be taking care of you, details about the midwife assigned to your care, and information about your doctor. The hospital I went to had put this entire system into a user-friendly mobile app, through which I manage my appointments and care. I can see everything from my blood test results to information about the baby.

During this appointment, don’t expect to see the baby or hear the heartbeat; since the risk of miscarriage is high until around the 12th week, pregnancy is not considered too seriously. You’ll meet your baby for the first time during the ultrasound at around week 12.

First Meeting and Others: Ultrasound Dates

From what I’ve learned from my friends, in Turkey, you have monthly check-ups where you see the baby through ultrasound each time.

Here, you’ll have a total of 3 ultrasound sessions. One at 12 weeks to check the heartbeat, another at 20 weeks to check for any abnormalities, and a final one at 36 weeks to estimate the baby’s size. Of course, if there are any health concerns or additional monitoring needed, these numbers may increase.

By the way, even if you feel like you’re not getting much attention if there’s no problem, if there’s even a minor issue, they meticulously examine and monitor you. Despite the UK’s reputation for having healthcare issues, they handle pregnancy and childbirth quite well, and I can’t deny that.

Wonderful Midwives: Midwife Appointments at Intervals

You have appointments with your assigned midwife at regular intervals. Due to the pandemic, some appointments are conducted over the phone. These appointments generally include blood and urine tests, listening to the baby’s heartbeat using a Doppler device, as well as assessing how you’re feeling and if you’re experiencing any issues like domestic violence. They also address your psychological well-being.

In addition to the medical aspects, we also chat about everyday life, discuss various topics, and share laughs. I often leave the room feeling much more relaxed and lighter than when I entered, even if I entered with concerns. I am aware that, compared to the system in Turkey, it might seem like a more relaxed pregnancy process, but they believe that it’s a natural process that should be approached with ease, and I agree. During these appointments, you can ask any questions that come to mind. However, let’s say something worried you during the day, like noticing a decrease in the baby’s movements. In that case, your first step should be to call the pregnancy helpline.

Pregnancy Helpline

This is a 24/7 helpline staffed by expert midwives. You can call this helpline for anything that’s on your mind, causing concern, distress, or if you think there’s a problem. They will guide you on what to do next. They might advise you to see certain professionals or direct you to the appropriate resources.

So, where does the doctor come in?

If your pregnancy is progressing healthily, and especially if your childbirth is proceeding naturally, it’s quite normal to complete the process without ever seeing a doctor. In my case, due to a previous health issue, I only saw a doctor once to discuss the outcome of a follow-up.

However, I’ll reiterate that if there’s a need for monitoring, they take the matter seriously. They conduct thorough evaluations and assessments. I find this to be a way of relieving the healthcare system of unnecessary burden, and I agree with the approach.

The same applies during childbirth. If there will be a complicated birth, a cesarean section, or if intervention is required, a doctor will be there. However, if everything is proceeding normally, it’s possible to give birth under the guidance of midwives at a birthing unit. (I’ll discuss the birth part in another article, once I’ve experienced it.)

Speaking of cesarean sections…

In the UK, the cesarean section rate is below the European average of 28%, at 25%. You can’t simply request a cesarean section. There needs to be a health-related reason for you or the baby, and the doctor must deem it necessary after discussing it with you. By the way, the debate about whether the 25% rate is too high and whether it should be around 10% is ongoing. I also believe it’s too high and consider it a global issue. There has been a rapid increase in interventions in childbirth in recent years, which is a topic too extensive to delve into here.

Education is Essential

After the 34th week of your pregnancy, the hospital you’re associated with offers approximately 10-12 hours of education about childbirth and breastfeeding. You can choose to attend these classes if you wish. Your midwife encourages you to register for these classes and attend them with your partner. These classes cover topics from managing labor pain to breastfeeding, coping with pain, and what to expect at the hospital. Of course, due to COVID-19, these classes are conducted entirely online. In general, I find it helpful to know what to expect and to be aware of the possibilities.

Let me conclude this article by discussing the positive and negative aspects of the system here. Initially, I found the system quite relaxed, but after the middle of the pregnancy, I began to appreciate it more. I don’t worry unnecessarily, and I believe I’m experiencing pregnancy naturally. Especially when it’s so easy for a pregnant woman to worry, having caregivers who are cheerful, attentive, and calm is reassuring. The negative side is that, as I mentioned earlier, reaching the pregnancy hotline or your midwife might not always be as quick as you expect. This can be frustrating and create a few hours or even a day of annoyance.

Until the next article,

Sending my love.
Rose

Firstly, even though pregnancy is typically considered to last around 39 weeks, if both baby and mom are healthy, remember that you have the right to wait until the 42nd week before taking any action and asking for induction. I believe it’s important for us to take control of our birthing experience and be actively involved in decision-making. By the way, speaking of the 39th week, apparently, it was a German doctor named Franz Karl Naegele who came up with this calculation. While childbirth seems to be women’s domain, men always find a way to get involved, don’t they? 😄 Anyway, I digress.

So, the contractions have started, signaling the onset of labor. At this point, the first thing you should do is… wait. Yes, seriously! If everything seems to be progressing normally and your contractions (I prefer to call them birthing waves because I don’t like negative terms) are coming every 10 minutes, you can go ahead and call the hospital where you plan to give birth. I say “wait” because if your contractions aren’t at a certain frequency, the hospital will likely tell you the same thing. If, like me, you’re experiencing vomiting and fatigue with each wave (which can happen rarely), it’s okay to call early to ensure the baby’s health. If your baby hasn’t arrived by the 40th to 42nd week, they may suggest inducing labor, but I can’t speak from experience on how that process goes afterward.

You’ve packed your hospital bag, maybe grabbed your pillow or exercise ball, and off you go to the hospital! After the initial checks, they’ll first assess your health and then proceed according to your birth plan. My plan was to have a water birth with a midwife, but due to a drop in my hemoglobin levels in the final weeks, I ended up having a hospital birth. Once you’re in the delivery room, you might have a midwife by your side constantly, with other midwives coming in regularly to check on you. Of course, you’ll also have your birth partner, mine was my husband. (In January 2022, due to COVID-19, only one person was allowed, hopefully, things have changed by the time you’re reading this.) I also had a doula supporting me over the phone. If you’re wondering what a doula is, I can include that in another post.

As labor progresses, the midwives will encourage you to move around, go to the toilet, and try different positions. Similarly, if your birth partner has received training or is knowledgeable about childbirth, they can assist you with these activities.

At every step and with every procedure, they’ll inform you first and then seek your consent. You have the right to ask any questions and object to anything you don’t want, and your birth partner is always involved in decision-making if you’ve discussed it beforehand. The hospital team will do their best to accommodate your birth plan. I only asked for gas as pain relief, and nobody even suggested epidurals or anything else during labor.

Once your baby is born healthy, they’ll be placed directly on your chest, and you’ll have a few hours alone with your family. During this time, both parents can have plenty of skin-to-skin contact with the baby. What I appreciated most was that they always asked for permission and consent for even the smallest procedure for the baby and never separated the baby from me for a single moment. Throughout the night, they come in at intervals to check on you and the baby. While you’re in the hospital, you can ask for support and information about breastfeeding from the midwives and ask them anything that’s on your mind.

Depending on the situation, you might stay in the hospital for 1 or 2 nights, maybe longer depending on the type of birth. After being discharged, three midwives and a health visitor will visit you within the first 2 weeks. If you need support with breastfeeding, they can also send a breastfeeding counselor to your home. One of the most helpful things for me during this process was having a breastfeeding counselor. Since my daughter lost slightly more weight than usual in the first week, they made an extra visit. After about a month, your relationship with the midwives and hospital ends, and you continue with your GP (similar to a family doctor). They’ll do a checkup for you and your baby at 6 weeks and then start dealing with vaccinations. Throughout the process, you can discuss anything with your GP, and if they’re not available, you can call 111 if it’s urgent. They’re pretty quick and responsive for babies under 2 years old, and they’re also quite fast and sensitive when it comes to admitting or referring to the emergency room (although sometimes you might need to exaggerate a bit—I think moms in the UK will understand that ;)).

Throughout this whole process, you might wonder where the dad fits in. The birthing system is so focused on the mother that the baby is considered primarily hers—I even had something written on my hospital wristband like “Gulistan Boylu’s baby.” Nobody asked about the dad even once 🙂

By the way, everyone from midwives to nurses to doctors was female, and I had a wonderful circle of women around me during childbirth. I feel lucky for everyone I met that day. I later found out that I gave birth in a hospital that has a UNICEF award for mother and baby care. As I conclude this post, I want to thank the midwife Anne who, although she will never see this post, changed the course of my birth experience. It’s no coincidence that her name means ‘mother’ in our language…

Note: Birth experiences can vary in different parts of the UK, and every birth is unique. What I’ve shared here is solely based on my personal experience.

Photo by Luma Pimentel on Unsplash